may God bless me

I feel sad. Too sad. Extremely sad.
Frustrated. Disappointed.
How? Why? Keep rushing into my mind.
Yea I m scared,  worried about what I have done in ups. I cant believe I fail to score each subject. What really happens to me? Why? This result of ups is included in my final pointer. But 10%. Someone say that it wont affect much. But u know me right, im that kind of person who depends on academic for survival since primary school. My ranking is no1 from standard 1 to standard 6. From form 1 to form 3 , my ranking is between 1 to 5. Everything changes since form 4. My ranking drops to between 6 to 15. Im mentally hurt.  I work harder. But still, to no avail. But fortunately I still gt 10As in spm but then not straight A+. Feeling a little bit disappointed, I feel thankful too. Perhaps, this is my actual standard of study for those 2 years. I accept it. Now it comes to the turn of matriculation result. No ranking. But grades. Initially im confident to get good result.  I revise n exercise quite a lot for that week of raya holidays.
But why??
I fail
Although result is still not known I guess I will get Bs for chem, math n physics. That is not the result a chinese student in matriks supposed to have. Perhaps im not a chinese? (I know this is not the time of joking) im serious in writing this piece of blog.
I feel regret to disappoint my mum my lecturer or even some of my friends.  My feeling now is actually beyond description. It is extremely complicated. I thought I have done my best . But it seems not. What am I going to do next? How am I going to face those friends who are better than me? Should I continue to play around with them?  Im totally out of idea right now.
I know I should have some more strategies to boost improvement in pspm. But then 24hours r not enough at all!!
I am very depressed to see someone who revise less than me can achieve better than me. It seems unfair right? Anyway I know I have many mistakes too in the ways of study.  I really hope that I could stand up again with confidence, defeating every challenge throughout my matriculation life. May God bless me.